To All My Self-Harming Warriors

"From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived." -Anonymous

I found a scar on my wrist today. It is the only visible scar still left (that I know) from where I self-harmed myself. Most of my self-harming happened through the use of my own hands. I would pound my stomach with my fists, I would slap my face with my palms, and I would scratch my nails into my skin, usually my arms and hands. I did all of these things because I thought they would relieve the pain I felt inside. I felt so overcome with emotion that it almost felt as if I was going to combust, so I used self-harming as a coping mechanism. It was not a smart one, and it really wasn't helpful. It only felt helpful in the moment.

Staring at my scar today was a reminder that I did what I did--I self-harmed myself. Sometimes, that is hard to admit, as I know there are people who look down on me for it. I looked down on myself for awhile, too. Other times, it almost feels like it wasn't even real. It's been almost six months since the last time I hurt myself, and it has been over a year since I self-harmed regularly. Most of my scars have faded, and the memories often seem far away. No one knows the internal scars that are left by looking at me, so it is almost like carrying a secret everyday. Most of the time, I don't feel the need to think about what I did, as I have learned other, healthier ways to cope when I am feeling sad, upset, or angry.

While I don't want to live in those traumatic memories of self-harm, I must always remember them. I must remember that they happened, so I can continue moving forward and living a life free of self-harm.

I made a vlog in March saying that I didn't start self-harming myself until college. That wasn't true. It was the first time I thought of what I was doing as self-harm, but the real first time I purposefully hurt my body, I was thirteen years-old. I was in eighth grade and was just starting to realize that the so called "pretty" girls didn't look like me. The girls who wore boys' football jerseys, had boyfriends, and got asked to formal, those girls were thin and I was not. I saw this concept as meaning I wasn't pretty enough to be noticed or liked by guys, so I blamed myself and abused my body. I would physically beat myself up, whether it be hitting my stomach or slapping my face. I would get so upset and yell mean words to myself in the mirror before school. I did all of this for at least a year. . .and then forgot.

I don't know if I suppressed the memories or if I just let life get in the way, but I genuinely forgot that I did these things to myself. It wasn't until I began sharing that I was self-harming with my counselor that the memories began to come back to me. I was overwhelmed by them yet comforted at the same time. This horrible act was something my brain had done before; it was the way that I handled anger and disappointment. While I was not proud of what I did in middle school (or later in college), I had found a correlation to what caused me to hurt myself, and that alone was life-changing. I had a way of recognizing triggers and working hard to overcome them.

I am not perfect today. I wish I could tell you that thoughts of self-harm never come into my mind. Unfortunately, they still show up from time to time, but it seems to be less and less these days. When the thoughts reappear, I have an awareness, an understanding, and a strength that I never had before. I am sure most of it is God filling me with his grace, but I know some of it comes from me, too. Some of it he allows me to step out and try on my own, with his guiding hand. . .and it's always helpful to know, he never leaves my side.

Self-harm awareness is so important to me. I committed acts of self-harm for so long without realizing what I was doing. Please know that if you struggle with self-harm, you are not alone. I care about you, and there are also professionals who care and want to help. Please seek help, learn what triggers you, and search for healthier ways to cope with your emotions. If I can do it, anyone can.

If you ever need a friend, my inbox is always open (you can click on the contact page to message me). Stay strong and fight on!