How Do We Talk about Suicide?
I have been waiting until I felt ready to write this piece, but honestly, I don't know if I ever will.
Suicide is a hard topic for many of us to speak on. Unfortunately, the subject is still so stigmatized that we worry how people will perceive what we may have to share on the subject. With recent events--the passing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain--the topic of suicide has been weighing heavily on my heart. I feel that it is my duty to share on hard subject matters such as this because it is part of what I hope to achieve through my blog--I not only want to bring awareness to mental health concerns, but I also want to break through the stigma around many of them.
Do you know that many people believe suicide is a selfish act? To an extent, I understand why some feel this way. A person is choosing to take their life. Often times, though, it is not that simple. Suicide does not just randomly pop into someone's head like a light-bulb-thought. Suicidal thoughts usually progress periodically, often worsening without treatment. Even those who seek treatment sometimes still suffer from ridding themselves completely of those thoughts. When someone chooses to attempt suicide, or act upon their thoughts, it is because they are truly at a loss for where to turn. They have lost all hope and will to fill an empty void; the darkness has finally overcome them. While, yes, it can be easy to judge from afar and say, "well, they just gave up," you don't know the demons they were battling on a daily basis. Only the individual can truly know that.
During 2016, I developed suicidal thoughts. I am grateful to say I never acted upon them, but much of that was due to not allowing myself to be alone. Believe me, I don't pride myself on this; I was genuinely afraid to be alone. I would often stay on my college campus until I knew someone was home, I would wait until my fiancé got out of class, or I would find a friend to spend time with. I knew the thoughts were happening but didn't know how to make them disappear, so I distracted myself. If I couldn't find a person to spend time with, I found other ways to numb the pain--feeling nothing became better than feeling at all. I won't lie to you, it is hard to even admit that I had suicidal thoughts. . .because who really wants to admit that? I have to live with the fact that I could have submitted to these thoughts. It's even harder to know that I had a good life. I have a good life; I just also have a brain that cannot seem to stay chemically balanced on its own. I lack serotonin and Vitamin D which are scientifically meant to bring about happier emotions. It is as if my body is so "messed up" that even my hormones do not know how to properly be happy.
One thing I have been afraid to admit lately but feel I should after the recent tragedies, is that the suicidal thoughts have not completely disappeared. I genuinely do not want to die, but the triggers are not as easy to get rid of. When I see guns (in film, in pictures, in real life), for a split second, I think about pulling the trigger. When I see knives, both kitchen and pocket, I think about cutting my wrist. Yes, I shake these thoughts very quickly (and unfortunately, with OCD I am also prone to intrusive thoughts). I ask for forgiveness from God and myself for even allowing them back into my head. But, sometimes, thoughts appear even when we wish they wouldn't. If we don't have a grasp of control on those thoughts (and emotions), how can we trust ourselves? It is hard to answer that question, so for now, I will let you ponder that.
My point in telling my story is so that people who suffer with the same thoughts will know and recognize that they are not alone. I also want people who don't understand it--mental illness and the choice of suicide--to recognize that these are serious issues we are still facing in society. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are just two examples, their stories highlighted because their names were well-known in the public eye. There are many more names we do know or recognize that still matter--those names belonged to human beings with beautiful souls just like you and me. Keep in mind that depression and mental illness does not discriminate on any basis--race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, religion, etc. It does not care. Moving forward, please be aware that though you may not see the symptoms, more people than you know are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Check on your "strong friends," but also consider checking on strangers. Sometimes, just a kind voice asking, "how are you today?" is all someone really needs.
To those who are still struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, please seek help. There are hotlines with people who DO CARE. There are counseling offices with therapists who WANT you to talk to them. There are also friends and family who LOVE you, and it is a good possibility that they don't know the extent of the pain you're feeling. Reach out to them, let them love on you and try to help you through this. Life is worth living and you have a story left to tell. . .only YOU can be the one to tell it.
Suicide hotlines:
(USA) 1-800-273-8255 or text HELP to 741741
(Australia) 131-114
(United Kingdom) 0-845-790-9090
* If you are in another location, I have the list to all international suicide hotlines.
* My inbox is always open, so please do not hesitate to send a message under the "Contact Page." Emails come through immediately, and I keep my email open (almost) always on my laptop. For immediate assistance, please call the hotlines as I believe your life matters so so much!!
"The world is a better place with you in it." I promise.
