Truth: It's Not Easy

I wish I could tell everyone I am doing great with the goals I set at the beginning of the year. If you read my post from the beginning of 2018, you will remember that my word for this year is nutrition. I suppose it is still a good word choice because it is something I struggle with everyday. I chose this word because I really wanted to focus on my over-all health--mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.

By now, I was hoping I would feel transformed. I was hoping I would feel energetic and full of life, but that isn't really the case. Believe me, I am nowhere near "the bottom." I have been much worse, and I remind myself to count my blessings daily. Instead, I am just not where I want to be. I am so confused with my health and my body (and sometimes my brain, but that's not really new).

Physically, I am exhausted ALL THE TIME. I want to workout, but I hate the gym and have no motivation. I don't want to diet because I am afraid of restricting, so I eat a mix of healthy and non-healthy foods. Sometimes I get on this kick to eat healthy, so I do for a while. Eventually, I get frustrated with myself and binge on sweets or greasy food. I always feel guilty afterwards, and I seriously contemplate throwing up my food. I haven't done so, but the urges are getting harder to fight and even harder to talk about. I guess that's why I am really writing this post.

I am scared. I have never thrown up my food, nor have I ever struggled with bulimic thoughts or tendencies. I've always leaned more towards restrictions (not that this is any better, just being honest), but I have been doing better the past couple of years. I know that I have an issue with food. It consumes much of my life and my thoughts, and it certainly takes up more of my life and time than I would like it to. I have spoken some with my therapist about it, but like I said before, it's getting harder to talk about. All I have is urges--I think about throwing up and I picture sticking the toothbrush down my throat, but that is as far as it goes. I do things to distract myself or try to talk myself out of it. I remind myself that my body is a gift, and I try to tell myself all the positive thoughts I enforce when I think about self-harming.

Essentially, I think throwing up my food is another way of harming my body. It is not healthy or nourishing, and these thoughts disturb me. I don't want to be that girl, but how do I bring this up in conversation? How do I admit I have another problem? That yet again I need help?

I get so frustrated with myself because it is my wedding year. I want to feel beautiful walking down that aisle (no matter what size I am). I get worried, because if I am being honest, I don't like what I see when I look at pictures of myself. What if I don't like what I see when I look at my wedding photos? I sometimes look at my engagement pictures and get sad. I am happy seeing Maddie and Jake, and our photographer did an amazing job. I just get so disgusted when I look at myself--I think of how I wish my hair looked better, I wish I wore a different outfit, and I hate how "chubby" I look in most of the pictures. I don't want to feel this way about my wedding pictures.

I guess, I just feel lost. I don't want to suffer under diet culture. I don't want to hurt my body. I don't know how to help myself or motivate myself. I just don't know.

I hope for anyone who is suffering from an eating disorder, or just suffering from urges like myself, that you seek help. Yes, it sucks needing help. . .especially when it's not the first time you've had to ask for it. I have been through suffering and struggle enough to know I am always better off because I asked for help. It doesn't make us weak; it makes us human. I am still learning to remember this, and I hope you will too.