Reminder for Self-Harmers

Some days it feels like I am reverting back into old habits. I begin to struggle with bad thoughts, counting gets triggered by my anxiety, and fighting to be strong feels harder. I get so discouraged in these moments, but I suppose that's how everyone feels when they are in their "off" season.

We are always going to experience the good and bad--times when we feel strong and times when we feel weak. Lately, I've been feeling weak, and today, a triggering event caused me to revert back to thoughts of hurting myself. I was reminded how it feels to want to hurt yourself and of the reason I most harmed myself in the past. I always harmed myself because I felt I wasn't good enough. I believed harming myself was what my body deserved as punishment for not being "better," and I wanted to believe those lies again today. I wanted to dig my nails into my arms until I broke the skin. The feelings felt so strong, and I could image myself doing it.

At some point, I remember stopping my thoughts and talking to myself. I can't tell you what I said, or if I said it out loud or in my mind. All I know is it was a reminder to be kind to myself--it was what I needed to stop myself, along with petting Maddie (my ESA). If I had never learned positive affirmations, I don't know where I would be. The same is true if I had never adopted Maddie.

While I still struggle with my self-harming and intrusive thoughts, it is not succumbing to them that makes me strong. We go through phases where we may feel weak, and it may feel like that is never going to pass. I think today is the result of just how strong I have the potential to be. No, I don't feel strong right now, but I didn't hurt myself. That is an accomplishment, and I deserve to be proud of myself.

To all the self-harm warriors out there, please know that you are not alone. Know that you can overcome your self-harm tendencies, and you can be kind to yourself. You deserve to be kind to yourself.