Cheers to Vulnerability

I haven't written a blog post in almost a month.

Why?

Vulnerability is hard.

The day you decide to speak out about your struggles is the day you take a step towards freedom. It is the day you decide to be stronger than your mental illness; the day you decide your mental illness doesn't have to consume you. It is not the day when everything starts being easy. The easy days come and go.

Some days I feel so strong, like I could just stomp all over any insecurity or fear I have, while other days I feel about as weak as a feather. Lately, I have been in my weak phase. It is so hard to explain (which maybe is another reason why it has been so hard to write), but it isn't always constant. The fears of my illness and the overwhelming mess of my thoughts consumes me for small periods of time (but more often than not). I find myself searching for distractions as opposed to acknowledging what I am feeling. Honestly, I usually don't feel I have the energy to fight.

Last night, I almost broke--I wanted to run into my room and shatter mirrors, punch walls, and throw anything I could get my hands on. I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom, scratch and cut my face and my arms, and fall sobbing on the floor. I wanted to give in to the feelings I so often have to fight against. I know giving into them doesn't make me stronger, and they certainly don't make the situation better, but they make the pain go away. . . for a period of time. That is what I truly want--I just want the aching pain on the inside to go away. I want to stop having to fight all the time with my emotions and thoughts.

The hardest part--I don't always have the best reasons for feeling the way I do. Sometimes, it is so incomprehensible as to why I am sad, mad, or frustrated. I am not blind to the fact that I have a good life--I have family who loves me, a wonderful and supportive fiance, an amazing dog, a roof over my head, food to eat, and many basic essentials that others lack. I am so so so grateful for all of my blessings. You see, this part of mental health is the hardest part to explain; it is the part that most people cannot understand because mental illnesses are a constant battle between an individual and his brain. It is constant fighting and disagreeing about how you feel, what you're thinking, why you feel and think what you do, your worth, why you are here on Earth, whether you should be here on Earth, and so much more. There is also the terrifying realization that maybe you are what people think--you're crazy. You're another helpless f***ed-up basket-case.

All of this, all of what is written above is what I am struggling with right now. It is old and repetitive, yet somehow it all feels brand new. It always does. I am struggling more than I'd like to admit on more days than I'd like to admit, but this is life. Life is not promised to be easy to anyone, and we all face our own battles. Yes, I am struggling right now, and it has taken me longer than it should have to write this post. It always does because I am stubborn and don't know how to ask for help. I wait until it's actually bad until I decide, "Okay, I need help now." I like to think each day I am learning to be better--each time I fall down, I learn a better way to get back up.

So this is me. . . being vulnerable again. Telling you I am not perfect, and reminding you that we all have our own mix of good and bad. We are all a little messy and bruised in our own beautifully, imperfectly perfect ways.

"She who is brave is free."