Intrusive Thoughts 101

If you've ever had intrusive thoughts--the ones that make you feel alone, ashamed, and misunderstood--I am so sorry. I understand the daunting loneliness and the internal shame you feel on a daily basis. I understand how hard it is to say them out loud; there are still so many I cannot bring myself to share with others. If you have ever experienced intrusive thoughts and the terrible emotions that accompany them, I wish I could wrap my arms around you, give you the biggest hug, and remind you that you're not alone.

Once I turned fifteen, my life revolved around my intrusive thoughts. They kept appearing and getting increasingly worse. I felt I was going mad, and I believed if I told someone, I'd be locked up. I worried I'd live out my days forced in stray jacket or numbed by too many medications. It hurts my heart to think that way, but it's true--I was so full of the guilt and shame because how do you explain intrusive thoughts?

I have had this page for over a year, and if you read one of my first posts, you'll see that I mention how I used to be afraid of my thoughts. I was and this is why. I was scared of the thoughts I didn't control; the ones that weren't really mine to begin with. They belonged in a jar titled "THOUGHTS BROUGHT ON BY OCD." It's obviously a metaphorical jar, but who knows, maybe I would've benefited from writing them down and throwing them into a jar. I would probably recommend burning them by the end of the year--don't hold onto such negativity.

Now, I'm not so afraid of my thoughts, but it doesn't mean all the intrusive thoughts are gone. Many of them have left with the help of medication, but they still appear every so often. They slip back in and that feeling of loneliness and shame appears, but then I remind myself we all have weird thoughts. The person who tells you otherwise hasn't come to terms with it yet either, and that's okay. I spent a good six years being completely and utterly terrified of my mind (and myself). I don't want to say it's okay if you are too, because you don't deserve that, but it is understandable.

I want to offer you this: learn to be friends with your mind. How do you create positive thoughts? You work on being kinder and more gentle with how you speak to yourself. There is ongoing mental conversation happening in everyone's brain everyday. Start telling yourself what you like about you (inside and out), start noticing beautiful things (the tree, the mountains, the flowers), start noticing the world around you (become involved in your community), and start giving yourself some credit (pat yourself on the back every once in a while).

We didn't choose to have mental illnesses, but we can choose how we live and cope with them. We are not just here to exist; we are here to thrive, and it IS possible! Keep learning to love yourself because you're worth it.