Are You Happy?

I want to ask you a question: Are you happy? I mean, are you genuinely happy in this life? Do you enjoy your life and are you happy with who you are?

Growing up, I knew many bitter people--family; friends of family; people who were just angry over life's disappointments and never got over it. I decided at a young age that I did not want to be like this. I was determined not to be bitter; I was determined to enjoy my life. Yet, somehow, life happened--I faced rejection, I let people down, I loved and lost, I was criticized, I loved and lost again, friends hurt me, I physically hurt myself, he made me feel like I was nothing, he made me feel like I was a disappointment, I did things I shouldn't, friends betrayed me, the boy I love got sick, and I began to shut down.

Life began to feel like a blur. The moments between 2014 and 2016 are, in many ways, blurred memories. I remember them and I don't. I think back and I often don't feel real. Did I live that life? Was that me, or a some zombie-creature inhabiting my body? In 2014, I already felt angry. I wanted to leave home. I wanted freedom and escape more than anything. By 2015, I wasn't a functioning human. I found ways to escape the pain; it became more important to feel nothing than try to feel happy and fail. I lost who I was, but really, I don't even think I knew who I was before that. I was in such a dark place, and when I entered therapy in April 2016, it felt like there was little hope for me.

A woman named Susan took a chance on me. She listened to my "problems." She helped me work out my thoughts, my fears, and my sorrows, and she helped me make sense of them. She listened without judgement or criticism, and she tried to help me. And Jake loved me as best as he could. He saw that I was broken, but he never gave up on me--he believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I will never really understand that, but I'll always be grateful.

Today, toward the end of 2018, I can finally tell you I'm happy. Not because my life is perfect or because everyday goes well, but because I am sincerely grateful to be a part of this life. I love myself--the good, bad, beautiful, ugly, flawed mess that I am. I have a good life. I have an amazing fiance who supports me and encourages me. I have a dog who makes me feel so happy inside by the smallest things--no person can love like an animal can love! I have two parents who love me; they're not perfect people, but they try and they care and that's more than some people get. I have a wonderful sister who is always there for me, no matter what. I have been given opportunities others haven't--I am succeeding in my education, I have met smart and kind individuals, I have worked two interesting and purposeful internships, and I have worked for one of the best departments on my college campus (maybe I'm biased on that, but whatever). I have a GOOD life. Not perfect, but SO good.

I did become bitter. I was angry at life and people and God for a long time. I even felt shame after the anger began to wear off, and that was a process to work through, too. Now, I accept it. I accept that life is not perfect; I accept that bad things may happen, but I pray that God will always give me grace. That is what I search for in my day-to-day life. I search for grace, and I work to be kind, gentle, strong, positive, and better than I was yesterday. I thank God for my blessings, and I forgive myself.

Before, I held onto the mistakes I made. I believed the negative things people (and I) said about me. Whore. Ugly. Fat. What's wrong with your arms? Not good enough. Selfish. Cry baby. Too sensitive. You always make everything about yourself. Words can hurt, but they can also heal. That's what they've done for me.

I am kind.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I try.

I forgive.

I make mistakes.

I am flawed.

And it's okay.

Imperfections are okay.

Because I am loved,

by so many people and by

a wonderful God.

I am happy.