Is Motherhood for Me?

I remember being 15 or 16 and asking my mom, "is there something wrong with me because I don't want children?" Her answer was the best thing I could have asked for--she of course said "no," but she also told me that everyone is different. She informed me that I might change my mind as I get older, and then again, maybe I wouldn't. It was better to not bring a kid in the world than bring one you don't want. Our conversation didn't make me feel completely reassured over my decision, but it did make me feel loads better. It was nice to have a mom who loved and cared without judgement.

When Jake and I first started dating, we often talked about our futures--sharing dreams and ideas with one another. I remember the topic of kids coming up and feeling anxious when I admitted I didn't want children. I think he was surprised to hear a woman say this, but honestly, I just couldn't imagine myself as a mother. I told him I might change my mind one day (as my mother had once told me), but for the time being, I was content with my decision.

The truth is, I was never good with kids. I am the youngest in my immediate family, and my sister is five years older than me. She played the role of a big sister and a second mom. I am the young grandchild on my mom's side, and I am the third youngest on my dad's side (after five other grandchildren). When you include extended cousins and church youth groups, I was still usually one of the youngest. I never spent a lot of time with babies or people younger than me (at least not younger than a year). I always spent time with people my age or older, so I became comfortable with that. Children were almost a foreign concept. I was never the first person to hold the "new baby" in the family. I'd think they were cute, but I didn't know how to comfort or take care of them. The first time I held one of my cousin's daughter, she laughed at me because of how awkward I was while holding her. It always just felt so unnatural.

As I said, I never really spent time with kids. . .until I took a summer camp job in 2015. Honestly, I was terrified but the job paid well and I was tired of working retail. The job ended up being pretty fun (hard, but fun). I went on to work in the daycare department at the gym I worked summer camp at, and eventually, I had parents at the gym asking me to babysit their kids. It was such a weird experience for me; I was literally learning how to be around kids. People think women are supposed to be naturally good at that because, well, society tells them so, but also because we are the ones who carry the child. Personally, I always felt I lacked nurturing skills, and I especially felt I lacked the ability to be in charge of another human being. I could barely take care of myself, so how was I supposed to take care of someone else?

I suppose it was when I got Maddie (my dog) that I realized the possibility of motherhood. I love Maddie so much, and I consider her as much of a child as a human would be. I was still nervous when we first got her, and there have been several times when I beat myself up because I feel like I am being a horrible dog mom. I wonder if I'm good enough, if she knows how much I love her, if I do a good job at taking care of her. But coming home to her wagging tail and kisses always make me feel a little better, and for me, it makes me feel like maybe I could parent a little human.

Most of what I have been scared of in motherhood has been in my head. No, I didn't feel nurturing or motherly as a teen. How could I? I was the youngest in my family, lacked experience with children, and was still practically a child myself. As I've gotten older and matured, there is this part of me that wants to experience raising children of my own (birthed or adopted). I still have so many fears--mental illnesses are often genetic, and I question how I can make sure my child is loved and feels comfortable in this world. I worry what happens if they're not, and I get overwhelmed all over again. But I think it's normal to be worried about your child and want the best for them.

I sometimes get funny looks when I tell other girls my age that I want to experience child birth. The truth is, I think it's pretty kick ass that women can develop and grow a living being inside of them. Our bodies do wondrous and magical things that have me in awe. As someone who used to physically and emotionally harm her body and mind, having a child seems like a way to make up for part of that. It seems like a way to use this temple and gift for a purpose, and maybe teach my own kid(s) how special their body is.

I say all this because it has been on my mind for quite some time. I guess when you're getting married, you think more about your future and the possibilities. I don't know when I want kids, but I think they're a possibility now (I guess my mom was right). And so I want you to know that it's okay to change your mind; It's also okay to not change your mind. As women, it's hard I think in today's society. I know I want to be my own woman--I want an education and a career; I want to pursue big dreams, and sometimes I wonder how children fit into all that. I think you figure it out as time goes on.

Mainly, I really want to remind you to be your own individual. You don't have to be or do what society expects. You can have that job, achieve that dream, travel to that destination, and whatever else you may want. You can do it with your kids, you can do it with your dogs, you can do it with your husband or wife, or you can do it alone. It's okay to be different and stand outside the box. You can also stand inside the box if you believe that's what is right for you. Sometimes, I worry having children makes me less likely to stand outside the box, but at the end of the day. . .I should always be doing what's right for me. I encourage you to do the same.

"The most dangerous animal in the world is a silent smiling woman." -Anonymous

"I don't know exactly what the future holds, but I'm stepping forward with grit anchored in grace." -Julie Graham