A Post Dedicated to My Grandma

I titled this website Inside Her Thoughts because I wanted to authentically share what goes on inside my mind. Sometimes it's happy and positive, sometimes it's emotional and heartwarming, and sometimes it's a little dreary and disappointing. Today, I guess it's a mix of sad and happy, and ultimately, it's bittersweet. I am excited to graduate in five days. FIVE. That's crazy. I'm excited to get married in sixteen days. That's even crazier to me. Honestly, I am proud of my accomplishments, and I am happy to see how I've grown over the past few years. I'm also blessed to have a wonderful man and partner to stand by my side through it all.

But the hardest part in this season of life? My grandma can't be apart of it in the way I wish she could.

My grandma had a stroke over a year ago. It was hard at first to see how she changed, but I was grateful she was with us. She knew who I was and made many improvements over time with her memory. I've always considered us lucky (and I still do), but she's older and not at her best health. Travel is hard on her body, and physically it just isn't really possible. I have to walk across the stage without her there, and I have to walk down the aisle without her there. It's harder to accept than I want to admit.

My grandma has been my inspiration for a very long time. She is one of the strongest women I know--she had the courage to leave an unhappy and unhealthy marriage, she was a single mother who worked several jobs to give my mom everything she wanted, and she's been an amazing and supportive grandmother my whole life. She's shown unconditional love and support and has always encouraged my sister and I in our endeavors.

My grandma is one of the reasons I've immersed myself into my college education. She didn't have the privilege to do all that I've done. She never made it through k-12 because her family was poor and she had to help support them; she never learned to read well; my mom did her bills to make sure everything was done correctly. I don't say this to belittle her, but instead, to show how amazing she truly was. She never got the educational opportunities that I truly believe she wished she could have had, but the beautiful thing is that she was never bitter over life's disappointments. She's always been grateful for what she had rather than remorseful over what she didn't have; that's how I want to live my life. She's encouraged my sister and I to go for bigger and better opportunities--to continue our education, to only marry a man if he's good to us, and to never settle for less than we deserve. Because of my grandma, I do my best to appreciate what I am given and all the opportunities the Lord blesses me with.

Yes, I am sad because my grandma cannot be there in the way I wish she was. I want her to see me walk across the graduation stage because I believe I owe part of this degree to her. I want her to see me walk down the aisle because I believe I owe part of who I am to her. I owe my life to her for all the wonderful things she's done for me and special way she has loved me. She is truly a god-send in my life, and I regret ever taking our time for granted.

I really don't talk about her too much with other people, especially my family. I don't want to make people sad, but if I'm being honest, this whole process has been hard. This site is my outlet, and I finally felt I should share this. My grandma has been an added member of my immediate family for, well, my whole life, and to see her changing is difficult to face. I am so grateful she is with us. . .it's just hard to see your grandparent grow older, ya know? You forget they age with you, and sometimes they become different than what you once knew.

For whatever its worth, I'm grateful to be her granddaughter. I feel blessed just to have known her because she really brightens and enlightens any life she walks into. She's full of strength and courage, and I love her so much. I just hope she knows it.