Learning to Overcome the Qualities That Never Came Naturally to You
To the girl who patience comes naturally to, I envy you. To the girl who is full of grace, you're my idol.
But to the girl who struggles with both of these concepts, I understand you.
Patience
As a child, I was the stereotype of impatience. I despised long lines, I became irritated when the food took too long to get to the table, and mostly, I just hated waiting. I was definitely the girl who lived by the phrase "I want it and I want it now." Even as I entered my teen years, patience was still difficult for me. As a random example, I used to show up to movies ten to fifteen minutes after their show time because I hated watching the previews--I thought they took too long to get to the actual movie. This sounds a bit amusing to me now, but on a serious note, I can see how my impatience sometimes affected my relationships and interactions with other people. It led me to being pushy and believe false assumptions I made up in my head.
Grace
Grace never came naturally either. In my defense, what child really understands grace? It was in middle school that I began to truly realize that our actions can affect others. I wasn't like a super-mean-bully-girl, but I was human. I would make mistakes or say the wrong thing, and it would eat me alive. I couldn't handle the guilt or embarrassment, so I often chose to act defensive or indulge in anger. This led to verbal arguments, disagreements, and most importantly, shame. In high school, I tried to counter-act my behavior by being "good," but I would still fall short. I still made mistakes, and I still felt like I could never be good enough. So instead of giving myself grace, I chose to punish and torture myself. I did so for years, and my pain, guilt, and shame built up inside until it exploded.
The Present
When I began recovery, I stumbled across the concepts of patience and grace, and I finally recognized how I executed them in my daily life. In short, I didn't execute them well, but I realized I could still learn. That's what I want to share--that no, patience is not easy nor is grace. They don't come naturally to me, and I don't think they come naturally to most people. It has taken me years of constant reminders with positive affirmations as well as the retraining of my thoughts and action to get where I am today, and even now, I find myself pausing to re-approach certain situations. I often have to ask myself question such as these to move forward: Am I learning from what stresses me out? Why is said thing stressing me out? How can I be kinder to myself? If I can forgive others and they can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself?
Oddly enough, there are people who think I am patient, and maybe I am now (to a certain extent). Even my Step-Father-in-Law, who was also the officiant at my wedding, looked at me and said so gently, "Caysea, you are so patient." Do you know how odd that is to hear? I've also had people kindly appreciate the progress I've made working on myself during recovery. They tell me I'm positive, bubbly, encouraging--words I never would've used to describe myself before.
When you go through recovery, the beginning becomes a lot about how you view yourself. Are you viewing yourself positively or negatively? Are you speaking to yourself kindly or not? You work to change the bad into good in the hopes of having a better relationship with yourself. The one thing you don't think of is how your perspective might change for others, or even how others can view you in a positive way. We all worry about being judge due to looks, our clothes, what we think, etc., but we never consider what others might like or appreciate about us. I'm not saying you should care about what others think because your opinion of yourself is ultimately what matters, but don't be afraid to let others lift you up, don't be afraid to accept a compliment here and there, and don't be afraid to recognize your own progress.
Patience and grace are two aspects I want to see in myself. I've come a long way--I'm so much more patient and graceful towards myself as well as many of life's twists and turns, but it's because I work on these two aspects daily. I still struggle with guilt and shame every so often and tend to turn to negative coping mechanism initially (it's usually the thought that comes first), but I work to reverse those feelings. I remind myself that I am human, that I make mistakes, that I'm still growing and learning, and that it's okay.
I hope whatever you struggle with, you'll learn to do the same. Maybe it's patience and grace like me, or maybe it's something completely different. Whatever it is, it's never too late to try. Just because something doesn't come naturally to you, doesn't mean you can't learn how to adapt that quality into your daily life and perspective.
