A Message For the Girls Who Are Afraid to Be Alone
This one is for all the single ladies out there, or the girls in relationships who still haven't figured out how to be comfortable being with themselves.
It's no secret that I didn't like myself and was afraid of my thoughts. Because of that, I often hated being alone--not just relationship-wise but also physically alone. While living at home with my parents, I spent most of my time in the living room with my mom. I spent almost every weekend in high school at my best friend's house, or with my boyfriend at the time. When I was forced to be alone, it was usually hard for me. There were the occasional days when I could find some peace or comfort lounging in my room after a long school day, but it was rare.
Being so afraid of being alone led to negative behaviors in my romantic relationships. There was a lack of love that I was receiving from myself, so I tried to fill that void through the person I was dating. I felt like I constantly needed to be with the guy I was dating at the time, and I felt I needed to keep them happy. This of course wasn't attainable, as NO human can please another human all the time. Most of all, I became dependent upon the guy I was dating. I mistakenly looked at him as a hero or the center of my own happiness. I wasn't aware of even doing this at the time, but I now see how wrong and detrimental this notion was for my growth as an individual.
It's important to note that teenage romance is beautiful and messy and complicated no matter what; I think having a mental illness and lacking love for myself just added to the complications. I was unhappy as an individual, so I looked for happiness in another person. This is horribly wrong for you development as a healthy and stable individual, and I wish that someone would've said to me what I want to share with you today. Because quite frankly, you will never please another person all the time, and they will never please you all the time either. To put your happiness in the hands of another is giving the other person power which often leads to your own disappointment.
So, here it is: you need to learn to be happy with yourself. You need to make spending time with yourself a priority. Get to know who you are. What are your likes and dislikes? What activities do you enjoy doing? Do you like to read? Do you enjoy running? Do you enjoy listening to indie music while driving on a sunny day? Seek out some special time for yourself to find what it is you really love. Take a random college course that sounds interesting to you. Go to a hot yoga class, or try out that new climbing gym. Go eat lunch at a restaurant by yourself, or even go see a movie by yourself. Spend some time alone and get to know the girl staring back at you in the mirror. Yes, it can be scary and confusing, but it can also be the most rewarding gift you'll ever give to yourself: the gift of learning to be friends with you.
Like I said, I hated being alone, but it was going to therapy and working on myself that forced me into learning how to be alone. I'll be honest, I was still with my husband (then boyfriend) through this whole process, and that was helpful in some ways, but it was still me having to put in the work, and it was still me having to learn these things about myself that no one else could learn for me. As much as my husband wanted me to love myself and to be more self-sufficient for my own benefit, he couldn't make me. He couldn't force these attributes onto me because they were ones that I had to learn. That was a big take-away for me--there are things in life that we have to do alone. It doesn't mean we can't have our person cheering us on in the corner, but there are moments in our lives where we have to be strong and courageous enough to walk our path with only ourselves. We have to travel from one stop to the next by ourselves in order to unlock our highest potential. The people who love and support us will happily meet us when we arrive at our destination, but the journey sometimes has to be faced alone.
The part I want you to know more that anything is that it is okay to be alone sometimes. Being alone doesn't always have to equal loneliness. Spending time with yourself doesn't have to be scary. It is possible to learn about yourself and like what you see. It is possible to become friends with yourself, which may seem like a weird concept at first but is quite amazing when you finally learn how important this specific relationship is. Because I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again--the better you love yourself, the better you can love others. And that's what becoming friend with yourself helps you to do. You become more comfortable with the person your with every moment of every day. You become more aware of her and who she is, and when you do that, you have a better possibility to give yourself grace and love the person you spend every second of every day with. Once you master being alone, you're often better about creating healthy, sustainable relationships.