Hello, Old Friend
TW: Self-harm
If I have any chance at helping others, it's crucial that I help myself first. In order to help myself, I suppose honesty is key. They say, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? I mean, I've admitted it before but here I am unfortunately admitting it again. I've started self-harming. . .again. Well, "started" is a loose term--I've been harming periodically for the last year. I can't tell you the exact day or place it started; I just know I got tired of fighting it. I got tired of feeling the urge rip up my spine and seeing the actions vividly take place in my mind that I allowed myself the easy way out. I indulged in this form of self-hate in the hopes that I could find relief. I never found it, though.
If I'm being completely honest, it does feel good to self-harm in the moment, but it only feels good because I tell myself it's what I deserve. And I only tell myself that because it makes doing so easier; it makes me feel less guilty afterwards. As I've mentioned, I wanted the easy way out. I was so tired of fighting because I felt like fighting was more gruesome than just giving in--my body physically and emotionally ached, and my mind was exhausted from arguing with itself. So I chose easy, but let me tell you friend, easy doesn't always mean good. It's not good that I physically harm myself; it's not good that I've created another area of negative self-talk for myself; it's especially not good that I've been acting like it's no big deal.
Self-harm is a big deal because we, as humans, SHOULD NOT be harming this gift that our Creator gave especially to us, one that he made especially for us. Our bodies are given to us, so precious and innocent, and we often take them for granted. I know I do. I want so desperately not to do this anymore, but since I'm being honest, I'm here to admit that it scares me. . how difficult it can be for me to truly be kind to myself.
One good part: I have identified my triggers. My anger is the first trigger--the anger inside me wants to pour out of my body, and I often feel the only way to release that anger is by self-harming. My second and third triggers are a combination of self-doubt and wanting to please others. When I feel I'm not good enough, and even more, when I feel I'll never be good enough, I self-harm. These feeling often coincide with one another and once I feel all three, it's hard to tell myself "no." It's hard to find any sort of light at the end of tunnel to tell me why I shouldn't give in. In those dark moments, my life feels like it's exploding and I begin to believe the worst. I believe every bad comment I've ever said to myself and all the ones others have muttered about me.
So what do I do now?
For starters, I'm going to try to get my butt back in therapy. It's not even an option at this point; it's a necessity. I hope by finding someone to talk with, I can manage the courage to work through all my problems. I know there are aspects of my past and even my childhood that are hurting me. I'm aware that I am upset and angry over life events I thought I had moved past. But I am strongly confused as to why it's all appearing again. And why now? I have good things going for me--my marriage, my awesome dogs, a good job. Why am I suddenly falling apart again when I'm supposed to have it all together?
