To Cameron Boyce, From A Girl You Never Knew

The passing of Cameron Boyce has moved me in a way I never knew it would. I was shocked and saddened by the news when it first came out, but with the passing of days, his death has remained on my mind.

I knew the final Descendants movie would be coming out soon and I have followed all four of the main actors who star in the three films on Instagram for some time now. I was touched by what the others said about Cameron, as I’m sure many other fans were—the kind words they spoke about him and the way they praised his art. It led me to paying closer attention to his work. I have now watched all three Descendants movies (I had already seen parts of them, but hadn’t seen them all the way through), and I have been following his recent movement Wielding Peace that The Cameron Boyce Foundation is continuing in his memory. Honestly, there aren’t many words to say other than I am moved and in awe of his talent. I am also heartbroken over this loss.

It’s such a strange feeling—mourning the loss of someone I never met, someone I never personally knew. I feel such sorrow that he didn’t get to continue all the beautiful things he was working on, and I feel slightly angry that he doesn’t get the chance to continue. I understand that God’s plans are better than our’s, but as a human, it’s hard to cope with the idea that one day the person is there living such a full life then suddenly gone.

To be honest, this year has been tough for me all around when it comes to the topic of death. My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with dementia while my paternal grandfather’s health began declining due to prior health issues. It’s been hard seeing people I love suffer. It’s been hard having my world change. I’m aware enough to know we all die, but it’s true that you’re never prepared. I feel like I’m consistently trying to prepare myself for any kind of death in my life. I worry about the people I may lose and the suddenness of losing them, and maybe that’s why Cameron’s passing has affected me so much. His family and friends went to bed knowing he was there and trusting that he’d be there the next day, but he wasn’t. They woke to the unfathomable news of him being gone, of his physical presence being taken away from them. And without ever admitting it to another human being before now, that has always been my biggest fear. I am so afraid of loving people and losing them. I’m afraid of having to live on without them. I’m afraid of having to figure out a new “normal” for myself.

I recognize my fears are probably not unique. I also recognize my fears have been other people’s reality, and my heart hurts for those people. I’ve seen it first-hand among people I care about even, and maybe that’s the part that really scares me—I’ve watched people crumble inside, I’ve watched parts of them die too, and they never seemed to recover. I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to lose someone and just die, too, without ever living the rest of my life.

I suppose death is just a part of life, but like many other parts, it’s one that takes time to process. There’s so much of life that I don’t think most of us understand. I think we’re happy for our loved ones to move on and to find peace. We’re happy they don’t suffer anymore. It’s just hard having to continue without them. It’s just hard having to continue—the world just keeps spinning and everyone else just keeps going while your life was turned upside down. I often wonder if that’s how Cameron’s parents and sister feel. I wonder if that’s how his friends feel. Are they sad, or even mad, that people keep moving forward while they might be feeling stuck or lost? I wouldn’t blame them if they did.

I am really just writing this to work through what I’m feeling. Like I said, I didn’t know Cameron personally, and it does feel odd to feel such heartbreak over someone you didn’t know. But I think actors, musicians, and all sorts of artists fill different roles in our lives. We may have never met them personally, but it’s still possible for their presence, work, talent, and creativity to affect us, and that’s what Cameron has done for me. He was a creative genius, an understated icon of his time. I’m sorry it has taken his passing for me to share my thoughts about that. I hope moving forward I can show love and appreciation to all those who move me, whether famously known or not. Because art is a beautiful and massive thing. Art is universal. Art is for everyone. Art connects. Art moves. Art laughs. Art cries. Art makes us feel, even when we don’t understand what we’re feeling. Thank you, Cameron, for reminding me of that.

To his family and friends, I’m so sorry. I feel this immense sadness, yet I know it has to be nothing compared to what you must feel. I am sending so much love and so many prayers of comfort and healing to each of you. To others who have endeared loss like this, or just loss in general, I am thinking of you. I pray for comfort in your times of heartache, and I also pray that you do decide to continue. Continue their memory, continue opening your heart, continue sharing your love, and continue living. There’s a reason those of us who are here are still here. We can’t let that go in vain. For the sake of those we lose along the way, I believe it’s important we live each day for them.