Update: An Explanation to My Hiatus from The Blog
One day, I just gave it all up. I just stopped writing.
It's been a hell of some month since my last blog post, and I have certainly been on a journey within those months. I started seeing a therapist again in late October - she's helped me dive into my struggles and helped me realize that there were many elements of my past and my childhood that I hadn't quite worked through like I thought. I am now working on setting boundaries within my relationships, especially family-related ones, as well as trying to learn better coping mechanisms. I recently realized that self-harm was a coping mechanism. I never meant for it to be, but I realize now how easy it became to lean into self-harm when I felt sad, misunderstood, or even angry. It was easy to internalize my pain, whether it was truly with myself or someone else.
I have come a long way since October, and I feel extremely proud of myself for the progress I have already made. I haven't self-harmed since late October, which also means I haven't harmed at all in the year 2020. My goal for this year is to keep it that way, and I hope by the end of the year I can say that I went the whole year without self-harming. I want this to be the year I stop using negative coping mechanisms and learn to live a lifestyle completely exempt from self-harm. I have also started creating a morning routine for myself where I get up an hour earlier in order to write in my Start Today journal which helps me practice gratitude and set goals for myself, as well as write in my personal journal to express any thoughts and emotions I feel are important to put onto paper. Incorporating this journaling time for myself into my daily routine has been so beneficial for my mindset, and I feel like it has made me more positive and less stressed within a short period of time. Plus, I've found not only my passion for writing again but also my love for it. I've been focusing on writing more poetry and working on my book (yep, that's right - your girl has finally sat down to start her first-ever novel that she does intend to finish).
The truth is, I've started writing stories off and on thousands of time since I was about 11. Nothing felt right. Nothing stuck long enough to turn into an actual story, and I think it's because God has been preparing me to write the story I am working on now. I don't want to give too much away, but the story deals with grief in multiple facets. I've spent much of the last year trying to understand grief and loss and what it means to continue living after someone important to you is gone. I think this story is helping me understand and cope with my own grief better, and ultimately, I hope that it can help other people do that same. I have prayed over this book several times, and I continue to pray over this book because I feel so strongly about it. It may never reach thousands of people, but I strongly believe it's meant to reach someone else out there. I am excited to see how it all unfolds in the end.
This post is simply an update on where I've been and what I've been up to. I'm sure if you've seen me on Insta, you have some insight into what's been going on, but I thought I'd give a little more detail. I am hoping to get back to writing blogs more regularly, but I don't want to make any promises right now. I hope you'll understand where I am coming from and can respect the way I choose to use my time and my art - either writing here, on Instagram, or working on my novel. I am appreciative to all of you who read anything I put out in the world (or cyberspace lol). I hope you will always know it means more than I could ever truly express. Thank you.