A Thank You Letter to My Grandma

Writing has always been a healing process for me, so today I'd like to write about my grandma.

Born during the Great Depression in 1933, Nona Mae Patrick came from very little. Her education was cut short due to her family being poor, and being females, her and her sister were taken out of school to help their mom around the house. My grandma never learned to read or write well, but damn, did she create a beautiful life for herself.

She didn't let her lack of privilege hold her back. Instead, she worked harder--she often worked multiple jobs to give my mom whatever it was she needed (or wanted). She later became a grandmother, who spoiled her grandchildren rotten and used her lack of privilege growing up as an encouragement for the following generations.

Even from an early age, my grandma encouraged me in my education. She would always say to me, "learn as much as you possibly can and go as far as you can in school." She wanted all of us to have more and experience the most out of life, and she was willing to do whatever she needed to help us achieve that.

When I was a senior in high school, my dream was to go to France. The French Department at my school took trips every couple of years, and I was unable to attend the one that took place my sophomore year. My parents didn't really have the money to pay my senior year, so my grandma was determined to send me on that trip herself. As a graduation present, she paid for my whole trip by making payments throughout the school year. She was always so excited after each payment was sent in, and when April rolled around, I was off to Paris, Provence, and the Côte d'Azur. It was one of the best trips I've ever taken--my first time outside of the U.S. and it all felt so much more spectacular knowing it was a gift from my grandma. I knew she wanted that trip for me just as much as I wanted it for myself (if not more).

That story is just one of many to show her love and selflessness. She was an angel on this Earth, and I feel so proud to come from her lineage. My grandma was strong, bold, independent, and full of love. She radiated warmth, and you could feel love simply through her hugs.

She used to get excited whenever I'd show up on her doorstep--she was excited whenever any of the children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren came to visit. She'd always peek out her blinds to check who it was first, and then she would rush over to the door and give you the biggest hug as you entered the house. She used to tell me how pretty I was every time, and I knew she meant it, too. She lifted your spirits when you were down and always made you feel accepted. She waited on you right when you entered the door, asking if you were hungry or thirsty. It didn't matter if you said no because she'd ask you about every ten to twenty minutes after until you finally said yes to something. Her fridge was always stocked full--with cokes, sprites, ginger ale, sunny D, blocks of cheese, sausage links, or whatever else she knew someone in the family enjoyed eating or drinking.

I always felt at home around my grandma and never judged. I made plenty of mistakes growing up and acted like a hooligan many times, yet she genuinely loved me for me. There was nothing you could do to make that love dissipate because it was full and lasting.

My grandma exemplified everything one should want in a grandma.

She fed me breakfast in bed as a child.

She attended every school function.

She encouraged me to do whatever I set my mind to.

She lifted me up when I was down.

She taught me what strong really looks like.

My grandma was everything all wrapped up into a short and fiery woman. She was a spit-fire, never afraid to speak her mind or stand up for the ones she loved. To know her was to love her, and my heart hurts to live in this world without her.

I know she's in a better place now, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still slightly angry that her health decline took so much from us. She had her first stroke in 2017, which was the year before I got married. She ended up missing most of the functions leading up to the wedding as well as missing the wedding day entirely. She missed my sister's wedding, too. It was hard on both of us I think, and I know it was hard on my grandma. As the dementia set in, she slowly became a different person. It was like losing someone before they're even gone. She often repeated herself, started forgetting our names, and then slowly lost her ability to speak.

The pandemic didn't make any of it easier. I lost the ability to even see my grandma for most of the last year. I saw her on Thanksgiving in 2019 and didn't see her again until August of 2020. I had no idea then that the next time I'd see my grandma would be the day she died, which was a measly four days ago. It was the first time I've ever been in the room with someone when they died. It's still surreal and my brain is certainly still processing, but I'm ultimately grateful to say it was peaceful. It was an honor to be by my grandmother's side at the end of her life, to comfort and love her in the way she always comforted and loved me.

The only words left now are thank you.

I thanked my grandma the day she died and I'll probably be thanking her in my heart for the rest of my life, for every single thing she's ever done for me. If I had to write it all out, the list would probably be too long for anyone to want to read. The gist is that she was always there. She made my life better, and even in the moments when I didn't know how to live, I often thought of her. I've never told anyone this before, but the day I found myself lying on the floor envisioning ending my life, I thought of my grandma. She was struggling with dementia at that point, but I thought about how much she loved me and I thought about how sad and disappointed she'd be if I didn't live up to the potential she saw inside me. It was because I thought of her--of her love--that I found the strength to find a new therapist. And I'd say it's partly because of her love that I'm here today.

I was so blessed to have Nona Mae as my grandma. She was the greatest person I've ever known, and I love her so damn much. I hope to help her live on through stories as best I can, but I'm sad for those who never got to meet her. They missed out on someone very special. I thank God I knew her, that I was able to love her, and most importantly, that I got to be loved by her. Her mark on my life was, is, and always will be infinite.