Goal for 2021: Finding The Courage to be Gentle with Yourself
For this year, I have decided I want to write more blogs. I would like to be writing and posting regularly, as I believe it will be beneficial for both my emotional well-being as well as my passion for writing. But I don't want to write just because I can. I want to write blogs that will help people, move people, and make them feel less alone. I want my words to be able to heal, connect, and empathize with my readers. I want people to read my writing and think, wow, she gets it or even thank God I read that. Ultimately, I hope God uses me in some way through my writing to help you--whoever you may be--who's reading this right now.
First and foremost, I want to tell you today that you are so loved. You were created with love and purpose in mind. While I know it may not always feel like your life has purpose, there is a reason you're here. How do I know? Because you woke up with breath in your lungs while someone else didn't. I want you to get that this life is truly a gift. We get so used to the day-to-day routine that we often forget the next day isn't promised. And here's the things--the next hour isn't even promised, which is why every single moment that you're here is special. If that's not something to celebrate, then I just don't know what is.
Yesterday was actually a pretty tough day for me, and I suppose that's what led me here to write this blog today. I woke up feeling fine. I was happy to spend the morning in bed with my hubby and pups, but as the day progressed, my mood went south. I began to feel sad and trapped inside my brain. My OCD was raging thoughts at me, and I felt my progress slipping between my fingers. I've done such good work and had an amazing few weeks, and now here I was realizing that my OCD is still very present in my life. It made me feel discouraged. I also didn't get a good night's sleep the night before, so that left me irritable and unsure of how to fully handle my emotions yesterday. I teared up a few times, I argued with myself inside my brain, and by the end of the day, I was quite exhausted.
To give you some insight into my mind, I ended up journaling last night and filled up about six pages worth of emotional baggage. I realized after I had been carrying so much inside my mind that needed to be dumped out somewhere. I was walking with pain and confusion and frustration inside me that needed to be expressed, and I honestly feel lighter today. I realized I haven't seen my therapist since before Christmas, ad our last session had to be canceled due to a scheduling issue on my part. My next appointment is coming up this Wednesday, and while I'm grateful for it, I've been feeling a lot of anxiety towards the appointment. I feel like my life is good overall. I've started a new routine for the week days, which is helping me be more productive during the day. I've also been working on my poetry book and am hoping to send my materials to some publishing houses soon. Things don't feel (or look) so bad on the surface, so I feel unsure how to explain the struggles I'm experiencing internally. They feel random to be honest, and well, I feel like with OCD I just sound crazy (for lack of a better word).
Explaining OCD can be one of the biggest challenges for me still to this day because, really, OCD doesn't make sense. She defies logic. I know this, and to anyone without OCD, it all seems like an easy fix. Just stop doing what you're doing--the compulsions, the obsessing, whatever it is you're thinking about. And yes, that is the simple answer, but OCD is not simple. She's a bully, or really, she's just a big bitch who likes encouraging the insanity of it all. I'm probably getting off onto a tyrant at this point, but as I said--yesterday was tough. It reminded me that bad days still have the ability to show up and take precedent, and while I don't want this to be my everyday, it's okay to give myself the space (and grace!) to process all that I may be feeling.
At the end of the day, I felt like beating myself up. I was ashamed that I was letting OCD and negative emotions take control until I remembered that I'm a human being. Even God knows I'm not perfect, so why am I always expecting that from myself? I was reminded late last night that God never gives you anything you can't handle which--if I'm speaking from the heart--sometimes feels cliche because people are saying it so often within the Christian faith, but then I thought about my situation in a new light: if I'm going through this situation, it's because God thinks I'm strong enough to handle it. And if God believes in my strength, then how could I not? He sees me in a better light than I will ever see myself, so maybe it's possible to stop beating myself up over the bad days with that truth.
So, wherever you find yourself today--I hope you'll take the time to be gentle with your heart, soul, and mind. We are all struggling at some point with something, so please remember you are not alone. And as I heard in today's church sermon, you are also not stuck. Life is always moving forward which means you have the potential to keep moving forward as well, my friend.
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