Hear My Plea: Seek The Help You Deserve
If you know me in person, follow me on social media, or have been around this blog long enough, then you probably know I've struggled with suicidal ideations. October of 2019, I entered into therapy for the second time in my life after experiencing vivid thoughts of harming myself. I had been suffering off and on that year, and I finally reached a point where I was scared to be alone and no longer trusted myself to make healthy and safe decisions for myself.
I wish I could tell you that therapy solved my problems immediately, but that's not true. While therapy has helped in the long run and I'm so grateful I returned to regular session, the suicidal ideations took months to work through. I was already self-medicating and self-harming prior to therapy, and I continued well after. In December, I found myself in the scariest place of my life--intoxicated with drugs and alcohol, experiencing the worst trip of my life. I felt like the earth was sucking me into the ground, and at any minute I'd cease to exist. I was sure I was going to die that night.
Spoiler alert: I didn't die, but it was a huge wake up call for me. If I wanted any hope of living, I had to stop seeking unhealthy and harmful coping mechanisms. I had to make some serious changes, and I did. I stopped smoking weed. I drink alcohol minimally these days. I went a whole 8 months without self-harming. I've also found an amazing app called I Am Sober that is helping me stay clean from self-harm and has gotten be back to over two months without harming. I'm still going to therapy bi-weekly. I keep a mood tracker that helps me understand my emotions better. I've even started working out again recently.
Overall, this healing process has been extremely hard yet extremely gratifying. I've healed wounds I never thought I could heal. I've begun feeling alive again, and even more, I've begun to feel comfortable inside the comfort of my own mind again. One day, I started living for my dogs and my husband and my mom and all the people who loved me until I finally figured out how to live for myself again.
What a whirlwind the last 15 months of my life have been. In October 2019, I was on the verge of death. Had I not gone to therapy, had I not searched for help, had I not made the commitment to myself and my loved ones to get better, I probably wouldn't be here today, and that fact sits on my shoulders often. Every birthday is welcomed with new appreciation. Every new year is met with bright and open eyes. Every morning, I find gratitude within my own solitude to thank the Lord for this life I continue to live.
Today, I feel especially called to show gratitude, as my sister shared with me that a nurse at the hospital she works at committed suicide. I don't know this person. I know nothing about them other than they were a nurse, but I mourn them today. I mourn their loss, and I mourn for the ones who woke up devastated by their absence.
I can say from experience that when you're encountering suicidal ideations--and when you get to the point of making plans--you can no longer see the truth. The dark thoughts have taken over, and they now tell a story of worthlessness, of shame, of pain. These thoughts tell you that others will be better off without you, and once you reach a certain point, it's hard to see above those lies. You start to give in and believe because you can't find any reason not to believe. And if you never get help, or you find it hard to push through long enough for the help to make a difference, then you might do what you can to feel better: you end it.
I imagine this nurse got tired. I understand that, and I pray that they woke up to find peace in their after life. I pray that their family finds peace and comfort in the days to come, and that through this incident they find a way to heal with time. But if I'm being honest, I'm not really writing this for them or for myself, I'm writing this today to you--the person who is struggling and the person who might know someone struggling. Everyone around you is fighting a battle you know nothing about. People can fool you from the outside--they can seem strong, happy, bold, brave, and more when they're physically present in front of you.
But what happens when she goes home after work?
What happens when he's alone with his thoughts at night?
It's important that we take care of ourselves, but it's also important that we check on the people around us. As a Christian, I've always been taught to love my neighbor, and I think part of loving your neighbor is being there for them through the highs and the lows. Celebrate your neighbor's victories as your own, but don't forget to comfort them through their losses (as you would want them to comfort you). Check on your neighbors! Maybe they seem fine, but what do you have to lose by asking how are you? What do you have to lose by following up with how are you, really? A simple question can save a life. Don't belittle the powers of human connection.
To you, who's struggling: you're not alone. Your brain tells you that you are; so did mine, but it didn't make it true. Ask for help. Personally, therapy changed my life. To find someone who let me feel all that I needed to while also reminding me that I mattered was everything I never knew needed. Maybe you need to start somewhere else first. Talk to your parent, a friend, a school counselor, a teacher, a trusted church leader, even a stranger on the internet (I'm talking about me here; don't just talk to any stranger on the internet). Reach out because--believe it or not--there are people waiting to extend an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. There are people who love you even if you can't see that right now.
My ultimate prayer is that you live to see the day where your mind finally opens up to the love that surrounds you. Today, I reflect on those who love me, and thank God for giving me the courage to find help. Had I ended it, maybe it would have made some things easier, but I know now that it wouldn't have solved all my problems. I would've left a mass of devastation behind, and the people who love me don't deserve that. Neither do those who love you, and neither do you. You don't deserve what's happening to you, and that's why I am basically begging you to please seek help. Don't stay silent because I promise you it does gets better. It might not be tomorrow or even six months from now, but it does get better. And it's worth it. In October of 2019, I was on the verge of ending my life. Today, I can finally say I love the life I've been given and would be truly sad to have missed out on the parts I've lived in between then and now.
To all the people who have loved me, supported me, and encouraged me through the last 12 to 15 months of my life, thank you times a thousand. I am indebted to you.
Special thanks to:
- Jake
- Maddie
- Val
- Mom + Dad
- Chels + Ethan
- Broly
- Ray
- James
- Grandma
- Desty + Jeff
- Holli
- Erin
- My OCD warriors
- Ashley, my therapist
- Heids
- Jemaria
- Martine and her family
- Jessica
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