How Do You Live in a Body that Doesn't Feel Like a Home?

What do you do when you realize you can no longer hide behind your crutch? What do you do when you realize the facade of it all?

In high school, I hated myself on the inside. I believed myself to be ugly, dirty, messed up, and just made wrong in so many ways due to my mental health struggles. To hide those imperfections, I covered up my inner ugliness with outward beauty. I lost a ton of weight; I covered my face in makeup everyday; I always wore a nice outfit. I remember having a rule for myself - I could only dress "bummy" one day a week which usually consisted of jeans and a t-shirt. Even then, I still went above and beyond to make sure I looked my "best." I clung to the American ideals of feminine beauty.

Over the years, my body has obviously changed. For starters, I'm not a 16-year-old girl anymore. I'm an adult woman who has felt and experienced so much in the last 10 years - both good and bad. Partly, I've experienced depression which is often times associated with laziness. I guess you can call it that. When you're depressed, you lack motivation to do. . .anything. No, I didn't want to go to a gym, and I didn't care about eating healthy. Some days, it has been a miracle that I managed to even get out of my bed. So yes, my body has faced changes due to my depressive laziness.

To put it simply, I've gained weight.

And I hate it.

I try so hard to believe in body neutrality. I think it's okay to not love every aspect of your body. You can still find reasons to be grateful and to be kind. I work really hard to show gratitude and kindness. I follow positive body people on social media, I participate in conversations to dismantle America's toxic beauty standards, and I try most days to create a healthy dialogue towards my body in my mind. So why do I still struggle so much?

I look in the mirror lately, and I don't know who's looking back at me. This body doesn't feel like mine; it feels like an alternate body that was never supposed to belong to me. All I can see most day is the fat and the bloat. My cheeks are so puffy, I'm developing a double chin, my stomach pooches out, my thighs are big and full of cellulite, yet somehow I have these awkwardly skinny arms as well as tiny hands and feet. My body is disproportionate - it doesn't make sense and often makes me feel like I don't make sense. I worry it's all anyone sees when they look at me.

I've learned recently that these feelings towards my body can be associated with a disorder called body dysmorphia or body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I'm not going to say I have body dysmorphia because I don't know that for sure, but I do think I'm struggling with symptoms of the disorder. It's not really important to give my symptoms a title other than knowing it's something others struggle with too. Most days I feel really alone. I feel trapped inside a body I do not always want yet desperately yearn to love.

I don't really know what the next steps are other than to keep going to therapy. I'm going weekly right now, trying to work through all of my issues: the trauma, the depression, the self-harm, the body image issues. It's harder than most people know. Just this week I came home from therapy and took a nap because my brain was so exhausted. I wonder if my healing will ever not be such a prominent part of my life. Will I heal enough wounds one day that I finally feel secure in who and what God has called to me to be and do?

*BDD is considered a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined, but the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or exercise to excess.People with this disorder may frequently examine their appearance in a mirror, constantly compare their appearance with that of others, and avoid social situations or photos. Treatment may include counseling and antidepressant medication (Google).