Pt. 1 - You Deserve to Take Care of Yourself

I want to start with this - please take care of yourself. You deserve it more than you'll ever believe, but I hope that if you find yourself on the low-end of believing, this post might light something inside of you.

I don't know what your struggles are in this very moment, but god does. He knows where you feel tired, whether it be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, or all of the above. I'll be vulnerable enough with you to share that it's all of the above for me. It has been for a while. I believe that saying "old habits die hard." It's not an excuse; it's just the truth. I have an old habit of letting myself fall apart close to, if not past, my breaking point. I fall and fall and fall some more until I'm wrecked with guilt because I am exactly the version of myself I can't stand to look at in the mirror.

Do you ever do that?

This isn't my first rodeo with "rock bottom." Hell, I don't even know what rock bottom is because I am determined you can always fall further. I somehow seem to manage continuous falling before I ever make the deliberate decision to get my butt back up, and here we are. In an attempt to be both honest with myself and the few that might read this post, I want to admit that I've fallen, and I've allowed myself to keep falling for months now.

I'm tired of falling. I'm tired of seeing the disappointed version of myself. I'm tired of believing the lies that my bully (aka my brain) continues to throw at me. I want to do better. . .because I know I can.

In order to truly take care of myself, I have to stop making excuses for myself. I have to stop hiding in my bed (literally) and face my fears.

For the last several months, I've been having some serious health issues. My mental health has certainly deteriorated. My OCD has been horrible this winter, I've started struggling with anger again, and my mom recently made a comment about Bipolar Disorder (it runs in my family). My physical health hasn't been the best either. I work in a high-stress environment which has severely affected me:

I first noticed my hair thinning last July when I realized I could see through my scalp. I've been on a journey ever since.

• I've had multiple rashes appear on my face.

• I've struggle with dizziness/lightheadedness.

• I've had headaches and migraines

• Sensitivity to light has gotten worse.

• And more.

I kind of brushed most of it off because my OCD/anxiety has a potential to make me a hypochondriac. Half the time I think I'm dying simply because I got a cramp in my leg, so my first thought was, "it's fine, you're fine, Cays." Even when I got my first butterfly rash (that my sister mentioned could be a link to lupus), I said it was no big deal because I didn't want to overthink it. Then, I got another butterfly rash this week, and I realized maybe there is something truly going on inside my body.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't have any real answers right now. I am not a medical professional, and at this point, there is space for many answers to both my mental and physical health.

Have I been under a lot of stress? Certainly.

Can stress mess with your hormones? Of course.

Can changes in your hormones affect both your physical and mental health? You know it.

Now, how my hormones might be affected or what they're doing to my brain or my body? Yeah, I don't know.

I'm searching for a new therapist at the moment, and so far, I've had poor luck. My old therapist doesn't take my new insurance, I can't get in touch with the therapist I found through my insurance's portal, and the other therapist I reached out to isn't taking new clients at the moment. I mean, talk about ridiculous. But I am NOT done searching - I believe there has to be someone out there for me. I also have a doctor's appointment this week to discuss getting some blood tests done because maybe I have lupus or another autoimmune disorder or maybe I just have deficiencies, but I'm trying to take the right step forward.

All of this scares me. I'm nervous to start over with a new therapist, I'm scared of the possibilities of new mental and physical diagnoses, and I'm am afraid of what I don't know. But being afraid isn't an excuse for not taking care of yourself. I mean, I GET IT (obviously). I'm not saying feeling scared is wrong. I'm just saying it can't be the reason you keep letting yourself fall further into rock bottom. I guess that's what I've finally figured out personally, so I want to share this insight with anyone else who may need it.

You deserve to take care of yourself. God reminded me of that today, and I'm here to remind you.