Pt. 2 - You Can Always Start Again

Well, I wrote part one assuming there would be a part two. I didn't really know what part two would look like and in some ways, I thought maybe I'd write it months later. I'd have 6+ months under my belt of doing all the "right" things, and then I'd hop on here and tell everyone how amazing I'm doing. That didn't feel like me; it didn't feel authentic.

The truth is, I'm good. I'm really good most days, and sometimes, I'd even say I'm great. As you might know from my last post, that's a huge shift in a healthier direction, but I would like to note that every day is still not perfect. I've let go of the illusion that I'll someday reach a final destination of knowing and understanding myself - that one day I'll heal every ounce of trauma left inside me. It's not realistic. Humans are ever-changing, ever-evolving creatures, and maybe one of our biggest flaws is the pressure we put on ourselves to be. . .perfect, successful, beautiful, popular, liked, you name it!

I'm currently in a season of truly taking care of myself. I'm learning about my self-worth, and I'm finally understanding our actions can align with those beliefs. You can believe in yourself, you can accept yourself, you can even love yourself, and in all of that, you can still have days where you annoy yourself or where you don't like everything about yourself. It's a balancing act, but most things are in this life.

To follow up on some of the things I discussed in my last post, I would like to touch base on where I'm at mentally and physically and what I've learned over the last couple of months. First off, I'm back in therapy! I found a new therapist, and I really like her. I believe that people are often put in our lives when we need them, and I have often extended that belief to my therapists. My current therapist is very spiritual and she encourages meditative practices in my life which has been more helpful than I can convey into words. She listens intently and creates a safe space for healing work to take place, and let me tell you, I have done some healing work. I've been going to therapy weekly since I started going back in February. It might not seem like a lot to some people but when you're talking through deeply painful and vulnerable situations every week, it is a lot. One day I came home and found myself in tears and an hour later, I felt like I released years of mental and physical pain. Some days I walk into therapy feeling like sunshine and other days I feel like I might fall apart at the very seams, but I always leave my therapist's office feeling grateful for the opportunity to do this kind of work.

Apart from therapy, I've been working on my physical health. I went in for testing a couple of months ago due to the scare with lupus. My ANA test came back positive, but the numbers were right on the cusp which led the doctors to believe I don't have lupus but that my body and mind may be under heavy amounts of stress. I've been working hard to make needed and intentional changes to help with my stress levels. I've started going back to the gym and taking a weekly yoga class. I'll go back to the doctor in May to get retested and, hopefully, my efforts will show that my levels are evening out again. I am happy to report that I haven't had any strange rashes appear since February, specifically, the butterfly rash.

On top of therapy and the gym, I'm also taking weekly art classes and writing in my journal more often. I'm trying to find and cultivate healthy ways to create and express myself. I deal with happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, depression, joy, and more. I deal with them all on such a deep level, and I'm trying to make space for it all. I've often categorized feelings into "good" and "bad" in the past, and I'm working hard to unlearn this mental habit. Feelings are feelings. They are neither good nor bad; they just are. It's our reactions to those feelings that can be good or bad, or really for a better description, healthy or unhealthy. My reaction to my anger and sadness is often unhealthy. I hurt myself; I say mean things about myself; I sit in my bed and isolate myself from others. None of these actions benefit me, so I'm learning to accept feelings as they come, find space for them, and allow myself the ability to react in a healthy manner. My therapist says, "in order to move forward from hard emotions, we must work through them." They can't go around us, in front of us, behind us, or even beside us. They have to go through us and we have to go through them in order to heal.

That's where I am right now - healing. Constantly healing, learning, growing, listening, expressing. It's only been a couple of months, but I'm grateful for the effort I've put in so far. I constantly come back to the understanding that it takes intentional and consistent effort to make real change in our lives. I have high hopes of continuing this journey.

Finally, I'd like to acknowledge that I've found myself starting therapy again on numerous occasions. I've found myself retelling my story or finally opening up about old traumas I buried deep within myself. It's hard to start over or try again but I hope if this post teaches you anything, it's that you can always start again.