What I Learned during My Twenty-One-Day Fast from Instagram

I recently took a 21 day fast from Instagram and if I'm being honest with you, it was not easy. I found that when I'm sad, bored, or just need a distraction, I can typically rely on Instagram to be there for me. It became a crutch, per se. But what happened the longer I was off the app (along with all social media platforms) was, to my surprise, a sigh of relief--I began to feel less pressure knowing I was giving nothing of myself to anyone through these platforms.

Prior to my fast, I knew I was putting pressure on myself for this small little app, but I truly didn't realize how much pressure I was putting on myself. I was constantly comparing myself to others. You've probably heard the saying "comparison is the thief of joy." Let me tell you, I whole-heartedly believe that! Not only was I doing the usual comparisons--she's prettier than me, she's skinner than me, etc. The comparisons began to affect my ability to advocate, as I was comparing myself to other advocates. I began to think thoughts like:

Maybe she's better at this than me.

People like them more than me. Hence, why they have more likes.

I must not be interesting enough.

Do people even like me?

What's wrong with me?

Why don't I get that many likes on a photo?

Do I look okay today?

Maybe I should wear more make-up.

I could take better pictures.

I'm not good enough.

The thoughts just kept getting worse and more severe with time. I got to the point where I was obsessing over how many people liked my photos and how many followers I had, and I realized that it all felt so superficial to me. I didn't start my Instagram page to become an internet sensation; I started my Instagram page to help people. I started it to help myself, because I was in a bad place when I first entered therapy and sharing became therapeutic for me. The feedback and stories I began to receive over time about others experiencing their own challenges with mental health concerns reminded me that I'm not alone, and it made me feel even more passionate about telling my story to help others know they weren't alone. I wouldn't say I forgot that message, but I did lose track of my focus. Something that was once therapeutic had become toxic for me.

So, when my church mentioned doing a 21 day fast, I immediately thought of Instagram. That doesn't mean I was all for the fast initially. Truth be told, I wasn't ready to give it up, but the closer it got to January 11, the more I felt God tugging on my heart. It was as if He was patiently saying "Cays, it's time." If I kept going down this unhealthy path, there was a good chance I wasn't going to like who I was anymore and I wouldn't be able to help anyone.

If there's anything I know to be certain, it's this: you must help yourself before you can truly help others.

As much as I hated to admit it, I needed to help myself. The first week was challenging. I learned that I reach for my phone multiple times a day just to pull up Instagram. I didn't need (or really even want) to get on majority of the time; I was just getting on because it felt natural to do so. I spent several days picking my phone up just to put it right back down.

The second week was hard on me. I realized how much of a distraction Instagram has been for me, specifically when I am feeling emotions I don't want to feel: anxiety, deep sadness, discomfort. I learned during this time that I am an avoider--when I can't make emotions go away quickly, I choose to avoid them. The problem with this behavior is that I was never working through the negative feelings; I was simply pushing them away for a while, so of course, they continued to come back time and time again.

The third week is where I began to feel a distinct change in myself. I remember feeling lighter somehow. I found myself not worrying about how my hair looked that day, taking the perfect picture, or whether people liked me or not. I simply focused on the tasks ahead of me, whether that be applying to jobs, writing, or going for a walk in the neighborhood. At the risk of sounding cliche, I felt like I was actually experiencing life again rather than constantly being obsessed over the highlights on a screen.

While the last 21 days have been challenging, I am so grateful I chose to partake in this fast because I needed a break from it all. I needed to be reminded of who I am outside of Instagram, and it turns out, I really like that girl. She's creative, goal-oriented, excited about life, struggles with change but tries really hard to keep an open mind, is eager to help and motivate others, and is so loved by her Creator.

As I enter back into the world of social media, I do feel nervous. I worry about obsessing and comparing again. I worry about trying to be something I'm not. I guess I wouldn't be human if I didn't worry about these things, but I now have a better understanding of who I want to be. My goal in this life is not to please everyone. My goal is to share my experience and help others through life's challenging moments. . .because, as much as your brain might tell you otherwise, you aren't alone in this world and you aren't alone in your struggles. You are not inadequate; you're simply human. We all are, and we are constantly evolving.

Life requires a lot of grace, a lot of love, and in my case, a lot of prayer. Do what's right for you, and remember to take care of yourself. Being the best versions of ourselves allows us to pay it forward and help others be the best versions of themselves, too.

“We are all a little broken. But last time I checked, broken crayons still color the same.” ― Trent Shelton